The "Four Bases" System Is Everything Wrong With How We Talk About Sex
Among American adolescents, baseball metaphors for sex are often used as euphemisms for the degree of physical intimacy achieved in sexual encounters or relationships. In the metaphor, first prevalent in the aftermath of World War II, sexual First base – mouth-to-mouth kissing, especially French kissing;; Second base. We all know what getting to first base means, and I hope we all know I'd love to get your input on the bases-as-sex definitions. Add us to your iGoogle homepage. Photo: Jupiter Images. Image used for illustrative purposes only. Keywords: being single · couples · dating · dating men · dating older men. Archive · DiscountCodes · Dating · Subscribe The first base meme involves users sharing their ideal “bases” in a relationship. Every single tweet begins with sex as the first base, making a point that it is nothing to be ashamed of. The Disappointing Shady History of the American Red ordendelsantosepulcro.info
Like many non-Americans, I've always been highly confused about the semantics and the system of dating It's interesting the system of dating is mysterious to others. What is the process of courtship outside of the US? I mean, most everyone has progressed from clubbing the female over the head and dragging her back to the cave, I assume? I can't picture you bartering cows for wives, either, Miguel.
I didn't like online dating very much because you can spend a lot of time and energy trying to get to know someone via email or on the phone, and it doesn't really matter if you don't have chemistry in person. Until you get the two people in the same room, you can never tell. No, I genuinely don't know.
I've never had an American girlfriend, though I've often dreamt of one. Till the age of 12 - when I was moved from the Anglo-American side to the Portuguese side of the English school I went to - almost all my girlfriends were Americans. But that was as a child - nor really the same. To tell the truth, I really haven't met any American women when I wasn't with someone else I was serious with at the time, so the opportunity never arose, unfortunately. There is no such thing as "dating" and "dates" in Europe, including the UK.
It varies wildly even in small sections of states, never mind the whole US of A. And the bases always seemed to get redefined every two years or so from ages If real baseball were played the same way older children explained sex to us, veteran baseball players would be faced with a field where first base was a mile away and then the other three bases were within 3 feet of that.
I've never been able to explain it adequately to a European. On the other hand, I arrived in Europe with the American idea that you have to go through an entire negotiation process when you start sleeping with someone, and it took me a long time to get used to a more spontaneous way of doing things. French doesn't even have a word for "dating", and the whole concepts of "commitment" and "relationship" don't translate very well, either.
- Baseball metaphors for sex
- The "Four Bases" System Is Everything Wrong With How We Talk About Sex
In France and Spain, the philosophy is that you sleep with someone first, and then you figure out if you want to be with them -- the direct opposite of what seems to happen in America. There's a lot less pressure to define what an affair means, and people seem to fall in and out of love more completely and quickly than in the US.
The whole "bases" thing is really part of early adolescence, a way for boys to brag about their first fumbling sexual experiences when they're still virgins. I don't know about today, but when I was a kid there was still a lot of stigma attached to girls who "went all the way", and so boys often had to settle for what they could get.
This is helpful in distinguishing the relationship from "going out," which more or less implies monogamy, although you can increase the ambiguity by saying "I've been going out with so-and-so. While she was away, I went to a party held by some of her friends, and when I met her friends who didn't yet know me, I explained my connection was that I was dating so-and-so.
There had definitely already been plenty of intimacy. But she was not my girlfriend yet. I'm American, and most of my adult relationships have started that way. And I don't think it's that uncommon, really. If you start sleeping together right away, then the point of the "dating" could no longer possibly be to lead up to the sex Funniest thing I expect I'll read today. To me, a date is like an appointment to hang out with someone you don't know well, to see if you have any chemistry and then to see if you'd like to continue to see each other.
So, if you were hanging out with a guy, it was a date. If you hung out with girls, not-a-date. Hence the weird terms like "double dating" which was a "safe" way to date, I guess. I usually go out with people that I already know I like through some other context [we're friends from work, we knew each other online, we're friends of friends, they used to date a friend of mine in high school] when it's clear that there's chemistry and we just want to spend some time together.
I also have a lot of guy friends, so there has occasionally been some confusion about what "Do you want to go to the movies with me? Other things I think about dating: This is not quite as clear cut when you say "go out with".
No, but you shouldn't be surprised if that's what they're thinking. As a woman, I try pretty hard to make it clear to people who ask me to do something if it's a "let's see what happens" affair, or an "I like you only in a friendly way" event.
Similarly, nowadays, when I invite guys to do things, I make sure they know I have a boyfriend and am not looking for any other romantic interests, so they know what they are getting into up front.
Seems like common courtesy, but a lot of people I know don't do this. A rain check to me means "try again later" I think it's easy to clear this stuff up at the time and see if there's another possibility. So if you say "how about next week? As a result, I advise my guy friends to make it pretty clear how they feel and be on the lookout for "I like you as a friend" indicators [like bringing friends on dates, not dating in the evenings, not returning calls, making excuses that wouldn't stop someone who was really interested in your, etc].
I also know a lot of guys who seems to have long-term commitments to people they don't seem to really like very much. They are clearly getting something out of the relationship [sex? I don't get that. When I was in hogh school and a bit into college [late 80's] you had to pretend that you weren't sleeping with people you were dating, only maybe people you were "going out with" which was like being engaged to being engaged in the Catholic enclave that I grew up in.
I think Americans can have a hard time admitting that they're looking for sex and some companionship as opposed to a lifelong committment, or the potential thereof.
As a result, you meet men who keep you at arms length because they think you want to breed with them, and you have women who are either wanting to breed [at my age] and being really weird about how they meet and go out with men, or who become strange wallflowers who play a lot of the games Dobbs describes.
Intimacy freaks a lot of people out and the weird ritual dance that is dating only makes it even weirder. For historical background, Dating Do's and Don'ts posted by stupidsexyFlanders at 8: I am now 45 years of age and living in Atlanta, so others' milage may vary.
Until about 10 years ago, asking for and accepting a first date was fairly much non-committal except that it had to be a full-blown date of dinner and entertainment.
The second date meant "I'm interested but I want to get to know you better, " and the third meant, "We're having sex tonight but dinner had better be good.
Among the younger set, 35 and below, the pace is much faster. Again, the first date is often a casual meet-up that ends by going to the male's home to 'check out your lifestyle'. The second meet-up within a day or two occurs at the female's home with sex that evening.
Sprinkle all of the above with generous amounts of phone time. This is important, time spent talking on the phone has pretty much replaced the time spent in preliminary dating. Again, the above is highly generalized, and I have synthesized both my experience and what my friends have told me about their experiences.
To put it simply, nowadays asking for and accepting a first date is an unspoken admission of "Yeah, I'd do you. Just don't bore me.
The ‘first base’ meme is rethinking relationship milestones
Minor point, Miguel, but the postponer actually offers the rain check, which was originally "a ticket stub entitling the holder to admission to a future event if the scheduled event was cancelled due to rain.
I would say a date implies that no one else is invited. I've been with my boy for years, and when we plan "dates," we mean we're gonna just hang out together. Of course, this could just be because we have many of the same friends, so inviting someone else along isn't unusual.
As for dating, which is to say, going on formalized adventures usually featuring food and a movie or a party, I would say it is on the decline.
Most people I know meet people through others or, when they meet someone, invite that person to group stuff first. I can't think of the last time I or anyone I share details with stopped at oral sex willingly stupid too-drunk boys. I've gotta disagree with Mischief. Most people I know, if you get back home at the end of the night, you're fucking.
Maybe everyone I know is really slutty? I've given up trying to squirm out of "Is that your boyfriend? When meeting someone new who you wish to get to know, with the possibility of becoming romantic, you set up a "date" at a neutral public place.
The movies, or a coffee shop, or whatever. Only after one or more of these meetings go well do you invite the person "back to your place" for a more intimate meeting.
American's homes are generally places of refuge and solice.
Being invited into someone else's home is a big step in a friendship. And stepping in to someone's home who you don't know well can be an uncomfortable situation.
This is especially true for younger, city-dwelling people, who often live in studio or one bedroom apartments; not only are you entering their home, but you're also entering their bedroom an even more private sanctuary. Thus the need for a netural dating arena. There've been people I've slept with on the, whatever, say third date who find out that I first slept with X someone from my past on the 4th date who then get upset and wonder if I now think they're a slut.What Are The Sexual Bases?
There's a great scene in Carnal Knowledge an excellent movie everyone should see if they haven't bit'a spoilers where characters Sandy m and Susan f are out in the woods and Sandy puts his hand on her breast.
She asks why he's doing it and he says "because it's our third date and you should let me do this on the third date. You should at least let me kiss you twice this week. Meanwhile, in another part of the movie, she fucks another guy on the third date, no questions asked.
Things sometimes happen faster, sometimes slower. Also, I am in Atlanta, in the heart of the bible belt and where the question of separated or divorced often becomes an issue.
Since I only dated three women there, I did not think that was big enough of a sample to draw much in the way of conclusions. Of those three, one was a disaster of personality conflicts, one led to sex the first night, and the third I met online Sunday morning, rendezvoused at a restaurant that afternoon, had one drink and split a salad, and then went straight to her place where we were both naked on the couch before the third song of some Andrea Bocelli CD.
Could you explain what you mean by this? To me it implies that marriages are arranged by third parties, and that men and women have no social contact other than as fellow participants in mass cultural outings or the like.
Dating is basically getting together with someone you like and are potentially at least sexually interested in with a view toward more intimate potentially exclusive involvement. Do you not do that? If not, how do you get together? Dating is basically getting together repeatedly with someone you like and are potentially at least sexually interested in with a view toward more intimate potentially exclusive involvement.
If not, how do you find a partner? I suspect Portugal is a lot like, say, Spain, where assuming what I learned in high school Spanish class was correct young people tend to go out in groups "en grupo" rather than pairing off from the get-go. Once you start doing things as a couple, things are rather more serious than mere "dating" -- you're committed, possibly engaged.
She said for her, I guy will not pay all until they are living together which was also the same for her. Add, as far as paying went for us, we planned the dates never thinking whom pays for what. Now opening the door for her was another story So her dating scheme may have been tied in to a couple lacking money individually. At least, I haven't had any. Other people talk about them all the time, but I think they're bullshitting. I shouldn't have said disagree, Mischief.
More like, my life—young, northern—seems to be different. Because of course you can't be wrong about how things have worked for you. Also, there is a high amount of chance encounters where two strangers get talking and it proceeds from there. Engaging someone in conversation or trying to is a skill acquired early and people learn to deal with polite or rude! It's funny that a man of the world such as yourself should imagine that a sunny, sexy Latin country like Portugal could ever be repressed.
Or perhaps you were pulling my leg Thank you all so much for the careful explanations. I now have an idea of how broad a deal this dating thing is - there goes another stereotype! That's always so liberating. I think you'd be quite lost.
Of course we date in the UK, or at least some of us do. To think that we are defined more by our country of residence than by our individual differences as humans is to make a very basic mistake. There is a hugely greater difference between a boy from Hicktown, Bornagainstate, USA and a girl born in the same street than there is between the boy and another male born and raised in Largecosmopolitancity, Europaland.
It doesn't happen as often as I'd like. Honestly, the formal "date" is something I only see couples that are already together do, not couples getting to know each other. I don't think I ever dated in that sense. There were people I met and slept with, people I met and didn't sleep with, people I was friends with and sex got involved, people I was friends with and love got involved No one ever phoned me up and said "hey, how about a dinner and a movie on Saturday?
Then he drove me somewhere and paid for me and put his jacket over my shoulders when I was cold, and drove me home and kissed me at the door and asked to go out again next weekend.
This is especially key for women, who are more likely to orgasm when oral sex is involved. Many have said that letting a man go down on her feels "intimate and emotional and thus more desirable in a relationship," not something to be shared with just a fling.
Ultimately, the ranking ends up disregarding the ways women experience sex and orgasm, focusing the system inherently on male pleasure. Within this "base system," sex is only sex when it is P-in-V — you're just building up until you score a penetrative home run. But sex is more than that.
Baseball metaphors for sex - Wikipedia
Making penetration sex the goal is essentially framing the game around the heterosexual male experience of pleasure. That focus on "real" sex not only ignores the intricacies of female pleasure; the base system also disregards the queer experience of gays, lesbians, asexual people and other sexual minorities.
That is kind of ridiculous and contributes to that black-and-white idea of what sexuality is.
Sex is personal, and the experience varies. But when it becomes goal-oriented, the individual experience is erased, replaced by a checklist that treats intimate interactions as items to be checked off. Like an aging MLB player, it's time to retire the system.