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Ex-Wife VS New Girlfriend - dating postdivorce children | Ask MetaFilter
One scarp you might criend to determine in life for a strong-minded sexy right interest is the Internet. Beauties and the Beach Edit. Nothing could be further from the truth. They're all reasons why you shouldn't date her in the first place. Which, again, it's none of her business. Maybe your ex cut her out of her life because of that? To have her now dating you is a weird head space for your ex regardless of the reason and she is reacting strongly to this person in your life. I agree with all those above who say this doesn't pass the smell test.
While I also agree that your ex doesn't get to dictate who you date and also that you can keep your casual dating partners separate from your young child when your child is with you until such relationship becomes serious, I think in this case you'd be a fool not to have a serious heart-to-heart with your ex on this issue.
I'm guessing the root of it won't make your ex look good either. If you can't do that then I think slowing your roll with this new relationship is a good idea anyway. And, side note, if she's of the age where she wants to get serious and start a family, check in with yourself about whether that's where you are at in your life. Don't string her along with all this drama if you aren't on the same page. Or maybe the fallout was over something really serious.
That plus sorry the age difference boost the "talking advantage of someone in a vulnerable position" possibility.
The other thing to consider is, was this person a factor in the divorce in some way? Especially if she was sleeping with your ex-wife.
That would be weird and potentially upsetting to your kids, should it all come to light.
I tend to think that your ex- has some valuable info here and that listening more could be worthwhile. A vague disclaimer is nobody's friend.
You need to know if it's really bad enough to want to end the relationship like, I dunno, if she molests kids or something, though I don't think that is it necessarily or if it's just "we had a huuuuuge fight," or if your ex-wife is jealous, or what. You can't figure out how to proceed without knowing just how bad this is. You need to judge the sanity levels of your ex-wife and K here and while both seem sane in general to you right now, you just don't know enough to be able to decide who to believe.
I think it's very weird that your ex won't tell you directly and wants you to talk to mutual friends--what is up with that?
Even if they boinked, she needs to tell you. You need to know how bad this is and this vagueness isn't helping you decide who's right and who's wrong. I have many more questions. How old is your ex? She could have once been the younger gal. If she had your oldest when she was 19, she would be You could be I am a divorced father of 3 children now all in their low 20s.
My ex and I never discussed it and it was never part of our agreement so I have no experience with an ex butting in. What was clear to us, since our kids had access to a car, was that once they were 16 or 17, custody meant only which house they slept in that night.
From my standpoint it meant was I on worry duty that night. I never introduced my children to anyone I was dating until recently.
That is because I decided to only introduce them to someone who I thought I was going to have a long term relationship with. I am not sure that 6 months, 3 months or even a year is relevant, only the status of the relationship. How odd is it for them to know you are dating someone but won't let them meet them? Odd in my opinion. My kids have met the woman I am dating now because we are quite serious. I could see us together years from now.
One of the interesting dynamics is that my kids are old enough to not need or want parenting. They see my gf as a friend, a normal extension of my life just as I see their bf and gf's as the folks they are dating who might be a relative some day. I think the big issue is the age difference.
Not between you and your gf, but between your kids. Perhaps they should not be treated the same. Meeting the 19yo is much different than meeting the 11yo. Putting everything aside, I think that you need to trust your own judgement here. You are a successful adult partly responsible for having already raised two well adjusted children.
You should consider what your thoughts are on a L-T relationship with your gf. Are you just having fun now and no thoughts to the future? Is this leading up to a L-T relationship? I think the nature of the likely future relationship is the key to whether to have your 11yo meet her or not. I do not think your ex's value judgement on your gf's character is relevant here. It is your judgement. In the absence of evidence that your gf is a child molester or a bad person in some other way, you decide when it is appropriate to meet your 11 yo.
I would have a talk with him first. This is not unheard of.
Dating Your Friend's Ex
Women compete and fuck with each other in ways that are subtle and primarily psychological in nature which men often do not seem to understand or believe. One of these ways is to turn men in their lives and others in their primary social group including family against them in order to isolate. The target often has very little repercussion to defend themselves until said person does it to enough people that they lose credibility.
By then it's too late, however. The age difference is interesting certainly in that regard. I'd want to know how they became friends and the nature of the fall-out and you should too. Again, that's the worst case scenario but it's one others have touched upon in this thread. Another scenario is this woman has information on your ex that she doesn't want leaking out to make her look bad to her children.
If the case is that she did cheat on you, really, it's not something your children need to know or be involved with on any level. The whole situation jeopardizes their relationship with you and their mother, which won't do anything but harm them psychologically in the long run. That which harms you should never harm your children and you have to protect them from garbage like this.
Divorce is hard enough, having one parent turning you against the other is life-altering fuckery. In either scenario, the main question is: What will you do if she starts? Can you live with the damage that will inevitable cause them? Insist upon honesty with respect for her feelings and experiences as someone you know to be civil, consistent, and sound post-divorce. Keep this person out of your primary life i. She can do irreparable damage to your children and then walk away like it was another day and you're left with that.
If she really wants a life with you as she says then she shouldn't have a problem waiting to interact with your children until you feel her out which should be the case with anyone, honestly, but more so in this specific case.
If you two didn't share children, then I'd say who really cares, but you do, and ultimately it's about them. You at least owe this to your children who need you to not have a toxic, dramatic relationship with their mother. K has, very reluctantly, said my Ex was unfaithful during our marriage in ways that rival K's own history.
Sometimes you lose respect for people and cut them out of your life accordingly, it doesn't mean they were having sex or that anything weird was going on, more likely something competitive came up or they just stopped having much in common due to their age gap and whatever else, maybe your girlfriend expressed some unsavoury or selfish opinions about her behaviour to your ex and it coloured her view of her.
Now imagine if you had an equivalent younger friend who you had a falling out with, and that "friend" is now dating your ex. You might not trust that they have the best interests of your ex and your kids in mind, right?
You might wonder why this "friend" chose to pursue something with them in the wake of your divorce, when there are many other fish in the sea. That is where your ex is at. I think the important thing is to make sure you really do want a longterm relationship.
It sounds like you enjoy her company but aren't thinking longterm yet.
Dating Your Friend's Ex - AskMen
I would give everything a few more months. I'm taking the OP at face value about the shared custody, so I'm answering while assuming the 19 year old that you share custody of has some sort of developmental disability, rather than that the 19 year old is an independent adult, since people don't usually share custody of children once they become adults.
I'm not a lawyer so I don't know of other reasons why people would share joint custody of a 19 year old, so it's possible that none of this applies. It seems like Ex knows a lot about K and the actual reasons why Ex is so against meeting K could be any of a number of things. Many of those things aren't valid reasons for Ex to object to K meeting your boys. It seems like Ex hasn't given many details about what the issue is. Depending on the situation, it's possible that Ex can't do this for some reason, and is hoping that you will go to the friends who might not be bound by the same restrictions.
Something else I noticed in your question: I would expect a reasonable adult not to "object" to you declining an invitation of any sort. It seems like you feel it's unusual to be able to decline an invitation from K without her "objecting" -- if this is the case, that's a red flag. You should be able to decline invitations and have that be an OK thing that won't be objected to. K showed very poor judgement and immaturity in sharing that with you. Agreeing with the Queen that it was not reluctant at all, but planned and malicious.
You dating someone his age his friend-group? I assume I am doing the math correctly and this girl is not just 18 years younger than you but also 18 years old herself?
If so, I would find it stretches credulity that a middle-aged man would have much in common with an 18 year old and the relationship is probably not in her best interest, long term. You seem to have a good relationship with your co-parent, and the two of you obviously want what is best for your children.
I would value her opinion, as someone you have known for twenty years, over that of someone you have been dating for five months, especially if I am correct in thinking she is just 18 herself. The girlfriend is significantly younger than the OP, but we don't know the age of any of the adults.
Like, was your ex cheating on you with K? It kind of sounds like they were a thing and then broke up, or like she was cheating on you with K's partner and K found out and that's what ended their friendship. Something weird and personal is going on here.
If it weren't weird and personal, she'd just tell you. Tell your ex to get specific about what her problem with K is and why she doesn't want K around your kids. Tell her if she can't tell you, then you can't take her vague discomfort seriously - you need real information.
Yyour relationship with K is, at least in part, about K wanting to hurt your ex-wife. Get ready to know a whole lot of uncomfortable information going back to the days of your marriage and whatever infidelity went on there.
Your friend group probably knows and have been holding back on telling you to spare you. Your wife did the adult thing, owned up to her infidelity to you, ended your marriage, and is working with you to be a good friend and co-parent to your children.
This is not something your children need in their lives. Thank you all for the range and depth of your replies. I apologize for some vagueness and lack of detail. Here are some details that might clarify matters: I am 47, my ex is K is 18 years my junior, NOT 18 years old.
K was one of about ten people I contacted that week with respect to books I was seeking to return to their owners. Ex thinks this matters because I work for a major employer here, a college, in a capacity related to high school students.
It feels like there are endless details I can't quite wrap up into a tidy narrative. I truly appreciate you patience and the range of your observations. If the issue that your Ex has with K is genuinely just that K has slept with many people: If this is not a thing, then your Ex needs to butt out.
Any other factors about your relationship with K e.
Dating a friend s ex askmenow
K bringing up your Ex's infidelity wasn't necessarily malicious. If I was seeing someone who knew that my ex had cheated on me, I would sure as fuck think it was appropriate that they acknowledge this rather than hide it or pretend they didn't know. What kind of foundation would that be for a new relationship? That crosses the line into malice and manufacturing drama for me. If this is a concern for you, then it means you're not serious enough to introduce her to your kids.
What does this entail for her? Does she want kids of her own? Do you want more kids? In your words are clues that you are in over your head and need to slow way down. You don't seem to be thinking with a clear head at the moment and you need to consider the implications. If you and your ex have an amicable co-parenting relationship right now and you trust her, I think it would be wise to heed her request at the moment for the sake of your kids.
If that's not enough for you to question what you're doing, isn't there a code somewhere that says it's not cool to date a friend's ex or an ex's friend? Clearly, both you and K didn't think much about that at all.
It's also concerning that your ex was in a "mentor capacity" with K. That's like another boundary being pushed. I don't think you should be dating someone who was your ex's mentee even in an informal capacity. Especially if you work with younger people which it sounds like you do. People here are saying that your ex is slut shaming K and that we shouldn't judge K for her sexual history, but if you care anything at all about your professional and personal reputation, and it sounds like that's part of the basis for your ex's concerns considering that you live somewhere small enough to matter, she's trying to protect you from becoming the talk of the town.
After a 23 year marriage, you now are dating a much younger woman whom your wife used to mentor. This already sounds not great. Importantly, your ex apparently was absolutely fine with you having at least some kind of non-romantic relationship with K since she introduced you two. So it doesn't seem the ex initially assumed K's romantic past made her a bad person to know. But there was a falling out for some reason possibly related to inappropriate past relationships??
None of this is making things sound better. Look, you seem very reasonable and it's perfectly possible everything is indeed innocuous. Perhaps you are a recruiter or work in admissions, or teach at the college. If K might have slept with one or more of your colleagues at the school, that's very likely to be seen as problematic. Is K also at the college in some way? Does your ex have personal or professional connections to the school - could your relationship be seen as embarassing or even harmful to her?
I'm not sure there's enough info to give advice, but it seems worth considering those angles. And one more thing - whether or not it's fair, or any of your ex's business, you now know this makes her upset. This has the potential to impact how amicable things with your ex continue to be, and how willing she may be to listen to your preferences regarding the kids.
But I think you know that, OP. As her former mentor, she probably knows more about this than you do. Your ex doesn't want bad-reputation K to be part of her family life, which she would be if you promoted K from casual girlfriend to stepmother-figure married or not. And while you haven't mentioned that she's articulated this, it's not-great optics for one half of a formerly married couple to be dating the 18 years younger mentee of the other half, to whom he was introduced in the context of his wife's mentoring relationship.
I don't blame your ex for asking you to slow your roll. You're only a few months in and aren't real serious about K anyway, so there doesn't seem to be any hurry here to introduce her to your kids. K is on board with that Just to point out the obvious here, you don't have to stick to some predetermined timeline for someone to meet your boys.
It sounds like you aren't thinking of a "life together" with this person, so there is no need to move them forward on some artificial timeline that moves along step by step until you have a life together. It's actually not very nice to the person you are dating to act as if you are taking steps towards a life together by doing things like declaring that it is now time for them to meet your family.